Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Many Changes

New agenda for my life ahead:

1) Figure out what I want to do in life. Really figure it out. Even though I love aviation, I decided not to pursue a bachelor's degree in professional aeronautics online from Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University. I don't want to be locked into homework again, plus, with the well over $6,500 tutition (with room and board, it would have been a whole lot more), I could probably find, and apply for, the scholarships necessary, but it's still a hefty fee. Plus, after filling out the FAFSA application, consulting with the university's financial aid office, and looking over the course load, I don't think I'm so much in love with the idea anymore. I'll still see if there's some kind of airport-based career available (initially, I really wanted to work on the ramp at McCarran International, with the planes parked at the gate, but I'm not sure yet what that requires), but I think I have more opportunities I can pursue based on my skills, a lot more than I thought before. For example, tomorrow I'm going back to my dad's middle school as a substitute campus supervisor, and though I wish I could be paid the same hourly salary as the person I'm subbing for, I like it. The campus gets deathly quiet after the kids have filed into the classrooms before each period, and I'm inspired by my surroundings, which I know will obviously change after my family and I have moved to Boulder City, Nevada. But I become really inspired when I'm just walking around the campus, doing my three laps before brunch, after lunch, and before it's time for my shift to end. I even came up with an idea for a play that involves a worker's plight in trying to find some space for himself, away from a windy day, and not finding any, including where would be most obvious, such as the usually empty teacher's lounge. Something like that. Tomorrow I'm bringing my mp3 player since one of the other campus supervisors sits in the golf cart, either listening to a radio, or some kind of player with video capabilities. A lot of right-wing radio emanates from the cart when he's in it (I'm not judging, just observing), so I figure I should have some music with me. I even downloaded off of Amazon "Something About You" by Level 42 and "Karma Chameleon" by Culture Club, two songs I've wanted in my mp3 player for a long time. Now was the right time to download them.

2) My parents have not had an entirely stable marriage over 28 years. I've witnessed more fights, possibly thousands, than I ever thought would be possible, even over the most trivial things. I was with my mom the one time she truly threatened to walk out on my dad and had suitcases for herself, me, and my sister. I don't know how that fight managed to end with us having dinner as if nothing had happened, but I swear that one had to have ended because of some divine intervention. I used to reject the idea of dating and relationships, probably partly because of my parents, but also because there have always been tons of books I've wanted to read and tons of movies I've wanted to see. Plus, being a writer, a lot I've considered writing, but I'll get to that in a minute. After the anxiety I had, and after changing my diet and my sleeping habits (still a bit dicey at times, since I wake up in the middle of the night at least twice, but make sure that I don't panic about it and try to get back to sleep, which is successful), I've decided that I want to date. Sure I'm broke and I don't drive because I'm not on my dad's auto insurance (I have my license, but I don't have my own car, because I can't afford the car or the insurance), and sure the only job I have right now is as a campus supervisor, but I'm curious. I want to meet someone. I've got my mom, my dad, and my dear, wonderfully extroverted sister, but I want to see who might be out there for me. I used to overthink it, such as the responsibility involved in any relationship, the this and the that of the whole thing, such as phone calls, and the time you need to take each day to make it work, but I'm done overthinking things. I will still think about this as necessary, but I want to see if I could be really happy with someone. So far, my record remains at one girlfriend, Irene Diaz, in 7th grade. We broke up amicably when she moved across the state of Florida to Naples, and that's been it. I think it's time to explore. However, it'd probably be best to wait until after we move to Nevada since there's no point here in Santa Clarita. I've seen possibilities here. They're not my kind of possibilities.

3) I'm going to write again. Moreso, I'm going to write what I want. I'm not blaming all the movie reviews I wrote for preventing me from writing what I wanted, because they got me into the habit of writing regularly. But I remember the hours and hours I spent watching movies for Screen It, just to get the exact scene down when it involved violence, smoking, alcohol and drug use, sex, etc. The money was good, but that's all I did. Hours watching one movie, and even more hours spent writing my reviews. I truly believe they're the best reviews on the site, but it's not all I want to do with my days. When I began recovering from this bad bout of anxiety (it lasted 5 and 1/2 months, so I lost an entire summer, which, outside of the heat, I regret a little bit, but you sometimes have to go through hell to find out what's truly meaningful to you), I read the bits of plays I wrote and then abandoned, and some of them read pretty well. There are some concepts I know could work with more massaging, and some that most likely need complete do-overs, but I want to do this. I read part of a play of mine that takes place at Grad Nite at Disneyland, and I actually laughed at some of the lines I had written. This is where I want to be. I want to spend time with what are truly my words. The reviews I wrote, the hundreds of reviews, my words were there, but they were geared toward promoting someone else's work, good or bad. All that I've found in various folders on this computer, it's all mine. The most important thing I learned through this ordeal was that I need to do more for myself. I need to take care of me more than I had before, more than when I had spent more time emptying the ice cream tubs from the freezer and likely sending my nervous system into major shock, which I'll bet led to this. But here I am, new diet, new outlook, new everything. I want this. And with my first book coming out in January, it's time to do this already.

But first, Raising Hope. Two episodes tonight and it's already 9:31 p.m. (I Tivo'd them.) I have to be in bed by 11, because I'm expected up at 6 a.m., so it's time to start.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Still Here

It's definitely been a long time since May, but I'm still here. Life reorganization, figuring out who I am and all that after having co-written a book and deciding that film criticism probably won't sustain me for the rest of my life. It's a lot to take in when that's pretty much all I've done since I was a teenager, but I'm working on improving myself and figuring out where to go next.